I have the disease to please. Do you?

I could write a blog post this month about tips for going back to school and getting back on track, but it’s been done. Today, I want to be vulnerable, share my truth and talk about boundaries.

I’ve been reading (ahem…listening) to a book titled “Boundary Boss” by Dr. Terri Cole and it’s been truly eye opening. One quote hit me like a ton of bricks… “You teach best what you most need to learn.”

I talk to parents all the time about how to lovingly set boundaries with their children when it comes to sleep. Yet, I have struggled my entire life with setting personal boundaries with people around me. 

My mother – when she asked 14-year old me if I wanted to go to Atlantic City with her even after she had been caught for embezzling money.

The 20-something year old manager at the mall – when he grabbed me from behind and kissed 15-year old me in the stock room.

The 40-something year old summer camp director – who took advantage of 19-year old me when he took me for a drive.

The rugby player guy in college – who did something to my body that didn’t feel good, yet I didn’t stop it.

The list goes on, but those are the instances that stay top-of-mind. And now at 38 years old I wonder why it’s so difficult for me to hold boundaries with my children when they whine for candy and I feel guilty for not caving in, or I feel guilty even when I do cave in. 

I have the disease to please.

I’m working on it and I’m getting better. I have to remember that it’s okay to be uncomfortable and to sit in that. When our children cry, whine or show frustration we tend to feel that feeling…you know that feeling…it’s hard to describe. We feel it in our bodies. What is our body trying to tell us in that moment? Why do we feel that visceral feeling in our heart and gut?

Is it because our parents never let us truly express those types of feelings? Did they tell us to stop crying or that it’s no big deal? When our children whine, does it remind our subconscious of when a teacher told us we would be sent to the principal if we continued to whine? If our children feel angry does it remind us of a time we were told to stuff those feelings or brush them under the rug?

When our children cry – babies, toddlers, preschoolers, etc. – they are expressing their feelings. This is how they communicate. They don’t yet have a fully developed prefrontal cortex that allows them to use words to calmly tell us how they are feeling or use rational thinking. 

And what area of life can be most upsetting for children and adults? CHANGE. 

Changing up our baby’s sleep space or routine is going to be upsetting for them. And they will most likely protest that change in their routine. Listening to their angst over this change can feel uncomfortable. 

STOP and FEEL it. They are just feelings…and they should be allowed, accepted and most importantly validated. 

Want to know more about what that could look like in your household? Book a 45-minute virtual Coffee Chat to have an in-depth one-on-one with me where we’ll talk through the hard and the beautiful of healthy infant and toddler sleep.