I am the milk boss

Original blog written 11/5/16

My breastfeeding journey has been just that…a journey.

Within the first hour of Michael’s birth, he latched on to my breast and wounded me. It was painful to say the least. I thought all the pain had ended after he came out! I wanted to breastfeed, but this hurt! “It gets better,” everyone said. But when?

I breastfed him “bareback” for the first week. Looking back on it now, that week felt like an eternity. I suffered through each feeding, 10-12 times per day, with eyes closed tight and toes curled in. My nipples were cracked and oh so sore. No amount of APNO, coconut oil or lanolin helped. I dreaded every feeding. How could I do this for a whole year?!

Week two I started using a nipple shield to help ease the pain. After the first week he was only 2 oz. away from being back up to his birth weight and all of a sudden he started losing weight. He was born at 8 lbs. 4oz and by the end of his first month he was down to 7 lbs. 5 oz. I didn’t realize that when you use a nipple shield you should pump and feed that milk back. My supply had dropped and Michael wasn’t getting enough to eat.

I walked into my first breastfeeding support group meeting a complete mess. I begged the lactation consultant to help me with his latch and cried the whole meeting. All I wanted to do was feed my child but I couldn’t enjoy that time together with him. I was in pain and I was starving my baby.

After much consideration and desperation, I decided I would just pump and supplement with formula to help him gain weight. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. I dreamed of breastfeeding my child and forming that unique bond with him, but my body couldn’t give my baby what he needed. At the time I felt like a failure, but supplementing ended up being the best decision for us. He started gaining weight immediately. It was so satisfying to see exactly what was going into his belly. I showed up at the next support group meeting a new woman. I was a happy and relaxed mom…just what Michael needed.

I exclusively pumped for the next two months. I wanted to give my nipples some time to heal up, but they weren’t getting any better and the pain was still constant. Even through the pain, I wanted to keep trying to get back on the breast, but every time Michael latched on now he pulled off once the milk started flowing. I made another appointment with a lactation consultant.

A woman named Linda came highly recommended from some fellow moms. “What’s her last name?” I asked. “Just ask for Linda,” they said. “They’ll know who you’re talking about.” She is the Madonna of the breastfeeding community in Southern Maine. No last name needed.

“Be prepared though. She’s very direct.” I was warned. That’s just what I wanted.

That appointment changed everything, but I didn’t know it at the time. I walked into Linda’s office and she said, “Wow, you’re full!” She squeezed my breast and milk went flying across the room. It turns out all that pumping I had been doing caused me to have a forceful letdown and a bit of an oversupply. Michael was pulling off because a fire hose of milk was shooting down his throat. Great, one more obstacle to overcome.

Linda helped me get Michael latched on good – a nice wide latch. I laid back to ease the forceful letdown. It still hurt, but it was manageable. I cried, Linda cried, it was beautiful. “Look,” she said. “You’re feeding your child. Just remember you’re the milk boss. Trust your body.”

As we were wrapping up the meeting she encouraged me to have my doctor take a look at my nipples. After more than six weeks of letting them heal, they still had not. She thought maybe I had thrush.

I left that meeting feeling amazing, besides that whole thrush thing. I was going to do this. I was going back to breastfeeding Michael. The next morning, he latched on…excruciating pain shot from my nipples down to my toes and back again. I screamed out loud, “I can’t do this!!!” The high from my meeting with Linda was long gone. I had resided to the fact that I was just going to pump for the rest of my life. I had given up on that dream of breastfeeding.

I still had that unique bond with Michael however. His tiny hand would grab mine as I was giving him his bottle. He still loved me. Was breastfeeding really that important to me anyway? Or was I more hung up on other people’s perception of me if I did breastfeed? “Whatever,” I thought. I’m feeding my baby and that’s all that matters.

I did take Linda's advice and went to see my doctor. That last bit of advice from her ended up being my saving grace. I started on Diflucan and within a few days I had noticed the constant pain I had been experiencing started to dissipate. I started feeling normal again.

Two weeks ago I went to a baby lapsit sing along at a local library. A mom I had met at the breastfeeding support group was there and she was breastfeeding her baby as we were talking. I couldn’t help but think, “I want that.” Maybe I was ready to give it one last shot.

The next day, I tried again. No pain!!! I couldn’t believe it, but I wasn’t getting my hopes up. Michael would only latch for a couple minutes at a time. He needed to get used to it again. I tried once again the following day and two times the day after that. I let him hang out with my bare breast as he lay on my chest after a midnight bottle feeding. I let them get reacquainted.

A week later and we are back on the breast!!!!!! I still pump in the middle of the night and once in the morning, which gives me enough for my husband to give Michael his bedtime bottle, plus a little extra for my stash.

I am cautiously optimistic however, afraid to get my hopes up. I know I may encounter some bumps in the road, but I have confidence that I can overcome them. Things are still going great and I am more in love with Michael than ever before. Every once in a while he will look up at me while he’s eating and smile, still holding me in his mouth. It overwhelms me with the greatest joy.

I was proud of myself after giving birth, but I have never been more proud of myself than I am right now. I did it, guys. I FUCKING did it. I AM the milk boss.